Wednesday, February 18, 2009


It’s been a very rough couple of weeks and last night was just one more nail in my coffin.

Trooper did a very bad thing, something that I am well aware of. I did everything I could to make the situation right with the owner of Kilo, short of bringing him back to life. The entire experience was very expensive for us but that was okay. It truly was the least we could do. Diane now has a new Pom, named Panda, who is 14 months old. I hear they are bonding well.

I was looking forward to going back to agility this week, and sent the trainer an e-mail to make sure it was okay.

The phone rang last night and shattered my dreams. Trooper is no longer allowed in class. Nor am I advised to enter him in shows.

Expressing my devastation here is not possible. I could not stop crying last night. Hubby finally got annoyed with my tears and started getting all logical, which was not what I needed.

I know in my logical head that it is perfectly acceptable and makes sense. Trooper is now a liability and as a business they can’t afford to have a dog who has killed another dog. I know that. What if he did something bad again? As hubby pointed out, they could take him away from us and even put him down. Even though I know that he didn’t do anything out of aggression or to TRY to kill something. It was an accident fueled by natural drive.

But in my heart I am just so depressed and sad. I’m grieving. I’ve now lost an activity, a bonding experience with my dog, that made my world brighter. There are very few activities out there that get me out of the house and interacting with others. Agility allowed me to socialize and work with my boy. I got exercise, he got exercise. We learned new things together. It was extremely good for me mentally.

I feel like crying even now, though I’m at work and that wouldn’t be the best idea. I have pictures up all around me of Trooper performing various agility exercises. He enjoyed it so much.

This whole thing has been a tragedy on so many levels. My heart aches. I’m severely depressed right now and that’s not healthy for me or my baby. I know that Trooper will be fine. He doesn’t realize any of the things going on and won’t “miss” agility in the way I will.

I don’t know what I will do now but I want to continue working with Trooper - even if it is just going for walks and learning to walk properly in new places. My ultimate goal will be getting Timber and Trooper to walk calmly together with me.

Everything happens for a reason. Perhaps I was not meant to do agility in the long term, especially with a baby on the way. It doesn’t make me less depressed right now and I hope that something will help pull me out of this horrible funk. I do trust that God has a plan, even though this seems like a particularly cruel step in my journey.

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